How Do I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me?

Forgiving someone who has genuinely hurt you can be one of the hardest things Jesus asks us to do.

It is one thing to forgive a misunderstanding, an inconsiderate comment, or a small mistake. It is another thing entirely when someone has betrayed you, deeply wounded you, or continues doing the same hurtful thing again and again.

You may want to forgive and still find yourself thinking:

How am I supposed to forgive what they did?

What if they keep hurting me?

How many times am I expected to forgive the same person?

That last question isn't new.

Peter asked Jesus essentially the same thing.

How Many Times Does the Bible Say We Should Forgive?

In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus:

“Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?”

Peter suggests seven times.

That probably sounded generous.

But Jesus responds with a number translated either as “seventy-seven times” or “seventy times seven.”

The exact number isn't really the point. As Fr. Michael explains in his sermon “Limitless Forgiveness,” either number functions rhetorically as something essentially limitless.

Jesus isn't giving Peter a forgiveness tally.

He is telling him to stop keeping count.

The Christian community is supposed to be a place of limitless forgiveness because it is filled with people who have already received limitless forgiveness from God. As Fr. Michael puts it:

“The church is supposed to be forgiven people practicing forgiveness.”

Why Is Forgiveness So Hard?

Jesus' command doesn't mean forgiveness suddenly becomes easy.

Sometimes the hurt is enormous. Other times, it is the repetition that wears us down.

Someone apologizes. We forgive.

Then they do it again.

And again.

Eventually, even something seemingly small can feel impossible to forgive because it carries the weight of everything that came before it.

Fr. Michael acknowledges this difficulty directly. Forgiveness can become tiring, particularly when we've been deeply wronged or someone repeatedly needs our forgiveness.

Jesus doesn't pretend those wounds aren't real.

Instead, he changes the perspective from which Christians understand forgiveness.

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

Immediately after Peter's question, Jesus tells the parable of the unforgiving servant.

A servant owes a king an impossibly large debt—10,000 talents. He cannot possibly repay it.

He begs the king for mercy.

And the king forgives his debt.

But then something surprising happens.

The newly forgiven servant finds another servant who owes him a much smaller amount. Rather than extending the mercy he has just received, he demands repayment and has the man thrown into prison.

When the king discovers what happened, he asks:

“Should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?”

That question gets to the heart of Christian forgiveness.

Forgiveness Begins With Recognizing How Much We Have Been Forgiven

When someone hurts us, it is natural to focus on what that person owes us.

An apology.

Restitution.

An explanation.

Justice.

Something that could somehow make things right again.

But Jesus asks his disciples to look at forgiveness from another direction: What have you already been forgiven?

Fr. Michael challenges us to think about the person who has wronged us most and then “do the math.”

Whatever forgiveness we could extend to another person is small compared with the forgiveness we have already received through Jesus Christ.

Our forgiveness doesn't begin with deciding that another person's actions weren't serious.

It begins with recognizing the magnitude of God's mercy toward us.

What Does the Lord's Prayer Say About Forgiveness?

This idea isn't confined to one difficult passage in Matthew.

Christians pray it constantly.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Or, in another familiar version:

“Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

We ask God for forgiveness while simultaneously acknowledging our calling to forgive.

Fr. Michael calls this “basic Christian vocabulary.”

We are people who receive mercy from God and then carry that mercy with us into the world.

Does Forgiving Someone Mean What They Did Was Okay?

This is where conversations about forgiveness can become difficult.

Biblical forgiveness doesn't require us to pretend that evil is good or that being hurt didn't matter. In fact, the entire concept of forgiveness assumes there is actually something to forgive.

Matthew 18 begins with the reality of sin within relationships and the need to address it.

But Fr. Michael emphasizes something important about that passage: even when someone is unrepentant or has fallen away, the goal is not simply banishment. The Christian concern is restoration—going after the person with the Gospel and calling them back through love and kindness.

Forgiveness therefore isn't pretending nothing happened.

It is responding to another person's sin as someone who knows that he or she also lives entirely by the mercy of God.

What If I Still Struggle to Forgive?

You may understand everything Jesus says about forgiveness and still struggle to actually do it.

That struggle doesn't disappear simply because you've read Matthew 18.

So where do you begin?

Begin with mercy.

Remember what God has forgiven.

Remember that the Christian's hope doesn't rest in deserving God's grace.

As Fr. Michael says:

“We are a people whose only hope in life and death is the infinite mercy of God.”

Blind Bartimaeus cries out to Jesus, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

That is also the cry of the Christian disciple.

When forgiveness feels impossible, we can begin by asking God for the mercy we need—and remembering the mercy we have already received.

How Many Times Should I Forgive?

Peter wanted a number.

Seven?

Seventy-seven?

Seventy times seven?

But Jesus points beyond the calculation.

The Christian life isn't about reaching a point where we can finally say, I've forgiven enough.

We forgive because we are forgiven.

We show mercy because we have received mercy.

And when we find ourselves wondering whether we really have to forgive again, Fr. Michael summarizes Jesus' answer simply:

“Always at least once more than you think.”

At St. Dunstan's, we gather around the extraordinary mercy of God revealed in Jesus Christ. If you're wrestling with faith, forgiveness, Scripture, or what it means to follow Jesus, we invite you to worship and grow with us.